Eight is Enough: Part One

So here we are on the first business day of the New Year and Plotnik has already used up at least eight of his 108 bad thoughts for the year. Plot, Duck and BZWZ share an AT&T account for their cell phones. Plot and Duck replaced their phones in September, but BZWZ lives in Roiland. When she tried to replace her phone there they gave her a lot of runaround and suggested she take care of it when she came back home for Christmas.

But when she walked into the AT&T store on Market Street, they told her she did not qualify for an upgrade. They ALWAYS tell BZWZ she doesn't qualify for whatever it is she needs -- like a replacement phone because the old one disintegrated, or a new phone that is stipulated after her service period has expired. BZWZ is the Clippers of AT&T. She never qualifies for anything.

(Shoot. Plotnik is getting angry as he writes this, but it's at himself so that's probably OK, karma-wise.)

So when Plotnik's beautiful daughter, The Greatest Clipper of Them All, got back to Roiland she went back to the AT&T store, except this time they told her everything was fine, fine, just fine, but they didn't have the exact phone she wanted in stock. They suggested she just take care of everything on line.

"You won't ever have to come in here again. You can do everything you need at home on your computer." This was an intoxicating offer.

So she went home, turned on her Mac and tried to sign up for the online service, except when she typed in her phone number she got an error message which stated: ERROR 323. BUSINESS ACCOUNTS MUST USE NEW PREMIER SERVICE. HIT THIS LINK NOW!

She hit the link and it was dead. She called Plotnik. He tried to register too. The Premier Business Account Link does not work.

That was last night, when Plottie's tank was still full, not one of the 108 having been used up yet. This morning Plotnik, the Good Dad, decided to slog it out on the phone with the good folks at ATT.

Muzak.

The first guy said Sorry, you appear to have a Business Account. "Why do I have a Business Account? I didn't sign up for a Business Account." The answer was "I don't know. But I can't help you here. I will have to transfer you to the Business Office."

Muzak. Muzak.

The Business Office lady answered and said "Yes, my records show you have a Business Account. Why do you have a Business Account?" Plotnik said "I don't know. But if I can't use the internet help line service with a Business Account, I want to change back to a Regular Account."

"Well, that'll be easy to do Sir. Please allow me to transfer you to our national Business Office."

"Wait, you mean, you're the Business Department but you can't access my Business Account?"

"No, Sir. And Sir, would you be willing to participate in a brief Customer Serice Survey after..."

"NO!"

"All right. It has been a distinct pleasure to serve you this morning Sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"NO! NO!"

Plotnik waited for her to say "Would you like fries with that?" but instead she said: "Please hold on."

Muzak. MUZAK! M U Z A K!

Around this time Plotnik used up DISMAY (One) and probably DISGUST (Two).

Then the Muzak blared Twelve Thousand And One Strings Plays Steely Dan.

There went SWEARING (Three).

The National Business Office lady told Plotnik she had no idea why he would be a Business Account. She asked him why he was a Business Account?

He said he didn't know and didn't give a shit (Four) but if he couldn't access his account with the internet, being a Business Account, he didn't want to be a Business Account anymore, so could she please change him back to a regular account?

She said "Ah, Sir, that sounds easy."

"Yes, it does."

"...but it's not, Sir. Once you're a Business Account you're a Business Account. We really can't change you back, Sir."

Silence, Plotnik maintaining his composure, WITH DIFFICULTY, losing no points.

"Look," he said, sweet as sugar, "I am your customer. I end up paying you a hundred and fifty smackers every month for these three phone lines and I'm asking you to help me, to help your customer. Will you please just do whatever you have to do to allow me to access my account using the internet? OR just let me cancel the whole..."

"Hold on, Sir. Will you hold on, Sir?"

"YES! I'VE BEEN HOLDING ON! I'VE HELD ON THREE TIMES ALREADY! I KNOW HOW TO DO IT! I CAN HOLD ON WITH THE BEST OF THEM! I AM THE KOBE BRYANT OF HOLDING ON! I AM THE MAHATMA GANDHI OF..."

Muzak. Cusak. Screwsack.

(FURY: FIVE.)

"F**K!"

(Plotnik swore again. That's Number SIX. Shit.)

(Yikes! He said shit! Number SEVEN. Wait, he said it TWICE. Can you get penalized for saying the same word twice in a row or does it just count as one?)

(Goddam complicated Buddhists. EIGHT! Oi.)

Then he hit the wrong button on his cell phone and got disconnected.

It's been an hour and she hasn't called back yet. But eight is enough. Ommm. Grrrr. Ommm.