Just Punch Return

"Rashard Lewis's 3-pointer at the buzzer tied the game at 94-84."

The Saint Plotniko Morning Bird Cage Wrapper is the worst newspaper of any major city in the country, has to be, but it still has its charm. One of its charms is that it comes to the door, or close to the door, or lies nearby on the street, especially in the rain like this morning, but at least it's there most days when it's supposed to be, more or less.

Its other charm is that it's on paper, and Plotnik and Ducknik can hold it in their hands and read it, while propped up on their pillows. It doesn't take long to read and today's news is the same as yesterday's or last week's or last year's, but you've got Get Fuzzy and Doonsbury, and you've got local Sports teams (Plot is waiting for the annual GIANTS TO FINISH LAST headline that appears every spring, in one column, next to GIANTS POWERHOUSE IN NL WEST in the other column).

And if you want to read about anything gay or anything about dogs, the Bird Wrap is your rag. Nuclear War would be moved to page two if two celebrity cocker spaniels came out of the closet.

But, you know...it's a paper and it's still here. At the wedding on Sunday Plotnik sat next to a guy who had been assistant sports editor at the Wrap for 25 years. He was talking about how everything is being marketed for the internet now, and how traditional sports guys like him were being let go around the country. Well, duh. Ask The Great PunkyDunky about that one.

Plotnik also spent a wonderful evening in Salta, Argentina, with a German sportswriter named Alex, who is the beat writer for Germany's favorite soccer team. That's like traveling with the Yankees. He no longer writes for his newspaper itself, just for its online edition.

Alex and Plotnik spoke about the differences in online writing and traditional writing -- Plotnik had to learn all about that when he started reviewing movies. Online writing is far more concise, you have less space and it is presumed that the online reader has less attention span than the traditional newspaper reader. It apparently takes less energy to punch RETURN than to physically turn a page.

Which gets us back to Rashard Lewis tying the score at 94-84.

In the old days they would have published a next-day apology and retraction of that typo. Now, they won't even notice it. It's only a game.

And they won't notice it when Republicans and Democrats throw lie after lie at each other and Republicans threaten and Democrats pretend to be shocked. It's only a game.

Plotnik does not feel the political parties are at fault here. It is their job to denigrate the other guys. It is the fault of TV and Print.

I mean, what happens when a fan runs out on the field in the middle of a baseball game? They take the TV off him. They don't even show the fool being tackled by police and being led away. Publicity is all he wants anyway and he is denied that.

So why not do the same with this horse manure we call political exchange? Ramp it down, not up. Ignore it. It WILL go away if nobody is watching. How many people read Sarah Palin's twitters? 200? How many read the internet reports about them?

Jesus, this is so stupid and so obvious.

America's attention span is presumed to be short. Give 'em a short byte and a headline and they will punch RETURN and move on. Why don't we just punch RETURN and move on to things more important than if Nancy Pelosi being targeted by Republicans means 'targeted' or 'TARGETED?' Punch RETURN. Move on.

The old headline would read: "Lack of Substance in America's News and Dialogue Between Parties Upsets The Great Plotnik."

The new headline is: "Plotnik Sick."

(RETURN)