Deep Breath: Phoooo? Let it out. Whoosh.

Take a deep breath. Phoooooo? Let it out. Whoooosh. There. There is no point in getting angry at events you cannot control.

Last Friday, the Plotniks experienced one of the worst service calls in the history of service calls. OK, probably not the worst, there must have been a few that caused death or dismemberment, but short of that, Mr. Numb(skull) from ADT Security Systems may have taken home the prize.

It all started when Plotnik decided STUPIDLY to upgrade to Comcast Digital Voice. It seemed harmless enough, and would save him some money. But to do that, he had to let Comcast techs into the house to swap out the modems and do some other mumbojumbo. They came last Thursday, took one look at the ADT Security System and said: You'd better call ADT and find out whether our digital system and their analog system are compatible.

MANY phone calls later, Plot had his answer: Maybe. The Comcast boys refused to work on the system until ADT came out and looked around.

Which led to the arrival of Mr. Numb on Friday. All Plot wanted to do was ask him one question: Will this system work with Comcast?

But Mr. Numb is English challenged. In fact, neither Duck nor Plot could understand more than every tenth word he was saying, and clearly he couldn't understand English either. He began tearing apart the box, and then moved inside to the alarm battery box and the phone box, ripping apart wires and swearing under his breath, then continued outside and tore apart everything he hadn't torn apart already. He then looked at his watch and said he had to leave for another appointment.

Oh, yes he did. With a straight face, yet. Or, at least that's what it sounded like he said, right before Plot went off.

Fear not, your Noble Leader of a Minor Western Religion didn't say the kinds of things he wanted to say, like, for example, WHAT THE MUH IS MUH-ING WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT THE MUH-ING SHEE ARE YOU DOING, YOU WHEREVER THE HELL YOU'RE FROM SWEATING MORON? No, he did not. He simply explained to Mr. Numb(skull) that if he didn't at least patch up the mess he'd made, he would not get out to his truck in, well, in one piece. OK, true, the repairman was older and smaller than Plottie, and probably didn't understand the threat, but still. Plottie was fierce, like some Old Testament Warrior, like Nate Thurmond.

So Mr. Numb (skull) patched things up...yeah, right. When he left the alarm didn't work and kept going off every fifteen minutes, and the telephones had a dial tone but couldn't receive or make calls, except to each other (phone to fax, fax to phone).

MANY more customer service waits on hold -- did we mention it was now Friday afternoon at 5:30PM?

In the end, Plot disabled the circuit breaker, disconnected the battery terminals, and: the phones went back on. ADT PROMISED they'd send two men out FIRST THING Monday morning.

Check the day: It's Monday morning, 11:10AM. They're not here. Plot just called the service line: "Oh," said the voice. "Didn't they call you? The tech called in sick."

Phooooo? Whoooosh. Phooooo? Whooosh.

Did Plottie mention BOTH his mouses went outses this morning? Computer doesn't work without a MUH-ING mouse, didja know? He'll go buy another one, AFTER THE FREAKING MUH MORONS FINALLY GET HERE to fix the ALARM and the PHONES and DANG, BZWZ, none of this really means much, does it, when you're living without electricity or refrigeration?

Tomorrow: photos. Recounts of wonderful phone conversation yesterday with Beezie from behind her mosquito netting. Maybe.