The Rabbi Wins a New Chandelier

Plotnik watched some of the Republican National Convention last night, to see which rabbi would win the Rabbimobile RNC 3000. It was Rabbi Ira Flax from Birmingham, Alabama.

But first there was the Christian singer and the crowd shot of the one Republican delegate dancing in ecstacy. Then came Joe Lieberman. Plot actually thought he was pretty good and that the Talking Heads afterwards did not do him justice. Lieberman may not have a penis, but what would a Democrat/Republican do with one anyway? Everybody hates him. If he's going to get funky in Minneapolis, he's going to have to find an Orthodox Jewish Independent.

Then came Rabbi Flax, who actually closed his remarks with "...and God Bless John McCain." It was a theological moment to remember, but it worked. He won the Rabbimobile RNC 3000 and his synagogue got two new chandeliers and a generous donation to the Building Fund.

What a putz. So much for inclusion. But remember that Barack Obama had a rabbi give the benediction at his coronation too. Plotnik didn't see him. Did the Democrat Rabbi also ask God to bless his personal Presidential choice? And did he win the Democratic Vehicle -- the KIA Wind-Powered Kruiser with enough trunk room for two Torahs and a pound of whitefish?

Ooooh, it's early to be this cynical.

The Republicans say they want unity, but they don't want it any more than the Democrats do. What they all want is total, landslide victory, a spike in the end zone and a dance at the fifty yard line. They will pay any price, including lifetime tuneups on Rabbi Flax's Hummer.

One of the CNN Talking Teeth (female Talking Head) asked one of the delegates how Senator McCain, at 72 years old, could possibly pick a veep with absolutely no knowledge of foreign affairs, and the delegate answered: "She is an excellent candidate because she can sell our message."

And there ya have it, fellow Plotnikkies. The Presidency of the United States is an ad package. It's Tastes-Like-Butter. It's This Bud's for You. It's dancing frogs and bouncing breasts.

The Current President spoke earlier, by satellite from Washington DC, where he is busy scouring Craig's List under "Furnished Caves-Pakistan," still trying to locate Osama bin Laden. Plotnik actually was looking forward to hearing the President, but the Republican National Committee sandwiched him in between the Christian singer and the Rabbi from Hell.

In his remarks, the President blamed America's problems on angry leftists. At least he's got the courage to say what he thinks. He may be the only one.

Memo to Democrats: don't sell these people short. They don't care one bit for anything you believe in, nor, for that matter, in anything they themselves used to believe in. Big government? FINE! No experience in leadership? NO PROBLEM! Rampant Corruption? BOYS WILL BE BOYS!

But they will do anything at all to get elected. Don't think they can't do it. It's already 49-49 and tonight Governor Palin will charm the country with that good ol' Alaskan Charisma.

Jeez it's gonna be a long two months.