Rant: Stupidium

As The Great Plotnik was packing for the trip East, he realized he didn't have enough of the Stupid Pill that he has taken every morning since Dr. I Dunno Wadda YOU Think? suggested he begin taking it, perhaps seven years ago. The reason was that his blood pressure wasn't too high but it was tending upwards, so Dr. I Dunno prescribed Stupidathol. After that time, Plotnik lost weight and started eating better and staying in better shape, and all those slightly elevated numbers came right down.

So he could probably stop taking the pill, except he can't because he's stupid. He's stupid because he's taking Stupidathol. He has to take this pill every morning until he drops dead and when he mentions he is uncomfortable with the length of his sentence, Dr. I Dunno, Wadda YOU Think? says: "What? You're doing very well. Why would you want to stop?"

It's insidious, and Plotnik feels like an insidiot taking something every day that he probably doesn't need...wait, he didn't say definitely, did he? He said probably. And there's the rub.

The Stupid Pill might be working. So he keeps taking it.

It's like vitamins. Do you know they're helping you? No. But do you take them? Yes. Why? They might help.

When was the last time you stared closely at your multivitamin? It's tiny. How much calcium, selenium, magnesium, iron and stupidium do you think they can stuff into a pill that small? How can it possibly help you or anyone else?

If calcium were such a miracle drug, wouldn't humans crave oyster shells and egg shells? But we don't. We eat the oysters and the eggs and spit out the shells. We do that because all the nutrition is inside the shell, for the love of God, we DON'T eat the freaking shells, do we? EVEN THOUGH they are basically nothing BUT calcium, with a little magnesium and a trace amount of stupidium?

It's like praying when the plane takes off. Look around you as the engines begin to whine and the plane's brakes release, oh shit, and that enormous machine into which you are belted and hopelessly trapped begins speeding up the runway, and you will see that every single person on the plane has his or her eyes closed and their lips are moving 'hamana hamana.' Even the terrorist with his shoes on fire 'hamana hamana.' Even the pilots who are screwing each other in the cockpit (they don't call it the churchpit, do they?) 'hamana hamana, OH STEVE! hamana.' Even the stewardess. 'Hamana duh hamana duh.'

We do all these things because they MIGHT help.

It has been reported here that some people actually hold the remote control on one knee and the Manny Ramirez bobblehead doll on the other, while bouncing Manny's little blue head and repeating this mantra: 'Hamana hamana hamana,' only in Spanish.

We all know how well THAT works.

End of story: Plotnik has his new prescription. But a woman in the crowded elevator from the parking lot to the pharmacy was coughing up her spleen and sneezing into the air. OF COURSE! A trip is starting!

This means Plotnik now has to take Airborne, that little fizzy round pill that his kids swear by, the one that does absolutely nothing except create profits for Walgreen's, the one that tastes vaguely orange-y and is supposed to keep you from catching a cold.

Look at the ingredients on the side of a bottle of Airborne. What do you see?

Stupidium: 100g
Delusionum: 100g
Lobotonum: 100g
Senileium: 100g

Airborne has been sued for many millions of dollars. They can no longer say they protect you from anything. They can only claim they will boost your immune system. That's right. Stupidium, delusionum, lobotonum and senileium will boost your immune system.

I dunno. Wadda YOU think?