A Serious Geneology

Believe it or not, this is a movie review.

Plotnik recently received a piece of paper from his cousin containing the names and birth dates for her, her three siblings, their husbands and wives, all of their children and even a few grandchildren. Plotnik is known as the Family Tree Person, and though he originally set out in 1998 to locate his father's family, about whom he knew nothing, anyone who has ever done a family tree will tell you one family leads to another and to another.

The Joseph family cousins are from Mummy Plotnik's side. Here's how it works.

Mummy P's father had seven siblings. His sister Anna was the baby. She married Plotnik's great uncle Morris Joseph. 'Joseph," of course is a shortened version of whatever the Russian or Polish or Hungarian name was originally, possibly Josefski or Josevevich or Yoskelitzky or maybe even Schmutznik.

Anna and Morris Joseph had several children, amongst whom was David, who was a few years younger than Mummy P., but in her generation. David Joseph died two years ago.

David married Ruth. Ruth and David had Bruce, Karen, Marla and Alyce. These cousins are a few years younger than Plotnik, but in his generation. Marla and Alyce, in particular, are devoted to and treasured by Mummy Plotnik.

OK. Bruce Joseph married and divorced Sandy. She has become nothing but a blip in the software. Then Bruce married Lynne.

Lynne and Bruce Joseph had Jennifer, Jason and Daniel, who are a few years younger but in The Great PD and The Great BZWZ's generation.

Bruce's sister Karen married Marshall Varon. Yes, Karen Varon. Karen and Marshall had Alana, Melissa and Brett. Thank God, no Sharon.

Bruce and Karen's sister Marla married Michael Kantor. Marla and Michael had Anthony, Kimberly and Alex.

Bruce, Karen and Marla's sister Alyce married David Botwinick. Alyce and David had Brooke and Allison.

Also, Alana Varon married Jeff Olschwang. They have Remy and Gavriel, who are in Isabella's generation.

And Melissa Varon married Matthew Weinberg.

All these names! Plotnik remembers his great Aunt Anna, who died when he was a small child, and his great Uncle Morris, who remarried and lived several more decades. Morris's new wife was named Ida, was as big as a house and wore tents.

THERE IS A REASON PLOTNIK IS TELLING YOU ALL THIS!

The reason is because last night he and Duck watched "A Serious Man." Plotnik can't imagine anyone who didn't grow up with an Uncle Morris and an Aunt Ida and people named Joseph, Olschwang, Botwinick and Weinberg could ever, ever, ever understand ten minutes of this movie. The small details are so chillingly perfect that Plotnik's eyes got worse, his stomach needed Alka Seltzer, new hair grew on his back, he began to ask questions when answers were needed.

All the women in this movie are short with wide legs. From the thighs down they look like the Czar. The men wear large black glasses and are all currently sleeping on the sofa. Everyone is miserable.

The three rabbis. Oh my God, the three rabbis. The Young One. The Old One. The Ancient One. Their desks. The shit on their desks. The parking lot at the synagogue. The big kid chasing the little kid.

The overbearing horse who is dating our hero's wife. Oh my God! The wife herself. Oh my God! The ineffectual men, none of whom can speak two sentences without apologizing. Oh my God! The kids who just want to smoke pot and listen to the Jefferson Airplane. Oh my God! The Nazi next door. Oh my God! The bill collector for the Columbia Record Club. Oh my God!

Did the Coen brothers grow up in Plotnik's world? Did he grow up in Minneapolis? How did the Coen Brothers' life experience end up the same as so many other people's life experiences?

Does Joel Coen have a cousin Jennifer, Jason, Daniel, Alana, Melissa, Brett, Anthony, Kimberly, Alex, Brooke and Allison? Yikes, probably.

And the tornado, what was that? Was that the dybbuk? Vas dot die dybbuk? Aiii-eeeee!