It's All His Fault

The Rapture is coming up this Saturday, right after the UPS man brings our wine club shipment.

Osama bin Laden is dead. The Rapture came early. For him, anyway.

Barack Obama gave a speech at the UN telling the Palestinians and Israelis to shape up. There are people who believe the speech was anti Israeli and people who believe the same speech was anti Palestinian.

The Israelis endorsed tooth brushing. The Palestinians called it a Zionist plot. The Palestinians called for sending cards on Mothers Day. The Israelis bombed the Walgreen's in Gaza City.

Linked-In was gobbled up by Wall Street Investors yesterday, though every person who has been finagled by all their friends to be their Linked In Buddy knows it is a totally useless tool that services only the original investors in the company. Yet, somebody talked Wall Street venture capitalists into spending big buckos for it. Boys, America's financial troubles are over.

Fortunately, Plotnik and Ducknik have invested their children's inheritance in rock solid international growth equities, like that Walgreen's in Gaza City.

The Pope and the College of Cardinals sponsored a research paper on the reasons behind the 'supposed' sexual abuse of priests. Surprisingly, the research showed the blame belongs to new, permissively sexual attitudes during the 1960s.

In other words, those filthy, fat old men never touched an altar boy before Abbie Hoffman told them it was OK.

Newt Gingrich is the New Donald Trump. Trump, the bombast, turned out to be the idiot we all thought he was.

However Newt Gingrich said yesterday that we may be able to use a plan similar to what the draft board used during World War II, to distinguish between illegal immigrants who deserve the right to stay here, and those who don't. Previously, he ripped his party for a seriously flawed tax plan. Will anybody listen? We should all stop calling him names.

Too bad he's such an asshole.

Sorry, Fox and PBS. Arnold's 14-year-old illegitimate son is not your business. It's the business of Arnold, the mom, the kid, and Maria Shriver.