Dr. I Dunno Time
Just got done seeing Dr. I Dunno, Wadda YOU Think? for my yearly physical. Going in, I remind myself how lucky I am to live in a country where preventative medicine exists, where that surely-fatal phugginoma on my big toe can turn out to be a wart.
I have been using my Dr. U-Flossem trick, with the Dr. I Dunno Variation. That is, instead of flossing thirty times a day for the three days before I go in to get my teeth cleaned, with the Dr. I Dunno Variation we eat only fish and chicken for two weeks before my yearly physical. It's working. We feel weak. We're hallucinating. The weight is flying off. We've each lost, oh, one ounce.
Everyone who works at Kaiser on O'Farrell either speaks Spanish or Chinese. They joke with each other in their own language about every person they deal with.
"Hello. I am here to see Dr. I Dunno, Wadda YOU Think?"
"Thank you, please drop form in little brown box."
(turns to friend and says in Chinese)
"Dumb round-eye. Doesn't even know what to do with the form. How many times has he been here?"
"I hear he has this potentially fatal thing on his big toe."
"Motha fucka gonna die for sure."
"Ha ha, yeah, really."
Dr. I Dunno asks me what I am doing about my cholesterol. I tell him we have changed our diet.
"Really?" he says.
"Yes. We eat a lot more chicken and fish."
"Ah, that's good. What about cheese?"
"What do you mean, what about cheese?"
"Do you eat a lot of cheese?"
(weakly) "Well, cheese isn't..." (weaker) "...hamburger..."
"You know, cheese is just a solid block of cholesterol."
"So I should stick with lamb chops?"
"Go take your tests."
"Hello. I am here to have my blood tests."
"Wait, upstairs they just told me one yearly physical exam is free."
"Exam free. Blood tests thutty dolla."
"But blood tests used to be free."
"You use to pay thutty dolla faw yearly physical exam."
"Now, it free."
"But back then you were free. Now you're thirty dollars."
"Health care system working! Please put form in little brown box."
He says they can freeze off the wart.
He says the pain in my left elbow is tendinitis.
He says as you get older, shit happens.
If I keep the computer turned off, I won't see any test results.