Kanji Blackboard

Kanji Blackboard
Originally uploaded by thegreatplotnik.

On his way home from Japanese Kanji class, The Great Plotnik has picked up several tacos at La Corneta. The salsa is very hot, and it makes him sneeze. He could walk away from the table and blow his nose. He could. But it's his birthday. KA-SNARRRKK, he goes, into his napkin.

"Plot!" says Ducknik. "I'm still eating, for God's sake!"

"It's my birthday," says Plotnik. To his amazement, she lets this one pass.

"I'm onto something," thinks The Great Plotnik. "I could try 'it's my birthday week,' and 'it's my birthday month' and maybe even 'it's my birthday quadrant.'"

It didn't work that well an hour before, in Kanji class. Plotnik is once again standing, facing the blackboard, chalk in hand, with Matsumura-sensei seated in a chair behind Plotnik and his five Level One classmates.

"Chuukosha," she says. "Chuukosha."

The five others begin writing rapidly. Line. Line. Line. Cross. Line. Cross. Hook. Circle. Line. Done.

Plotnik is still thinking: "I know this one. There are three characters -- chuu, ko and sha. Half old car. Used car. Just write chuu, you know that one -- he starts with a horizontal line.

"Ehh," grunts Mrs. Matsumura behind him. He erases the horizontal line with his fist and tries a vertical line.

"Mmmm," she says. Plotnik now draws a horizontal line with a corner on it, another horizontal line completing a box, plus a vertical line that goes through the center. He waits -- she says nothing.

"OK, Chuu. Done. Now Ko. Ko. Ko...it's coming...it's coming...

"Purotniku-san," says Mrs. Matsumura, approaching the blackboard. She draws a vertical line.

"Mmmm," she nods to him, indicating he copy her. He draws a vertical line. She crosses the vertical line with a horizontal line. He crosses his vertical line with a horizonal line. She draws a box under the cross. He draws a box under the cross.

"Ko," she says. 'Ii, desu nee." This means 'good.'

She sits back down behind him. Everyone else has been done for two minutes. Plotnik still hasn't drawn sha, but he knows sha. He LOVES sha. Sha is fun and a half to draw. He draws sha.

"Purotniku-san," says Mrs. Matsumura.

Plotnik got excited and put sha to the left of chuu and ko, It means nothing this way. Abashedly, he erases sha on the left and draws sha on the right.

"So," she says. "Ii desu nee. Now, class: 'koo ko.' 'Koo ko.'"

'Koo' is not pronounced 'koo.' It is pronounced 'ko.' 'Ko' is also pronounced 'ko.' Maybe you can hear the difference between them but Plotnik cannot.

God, he hates these goddam Japanese double vowels. Is she saying 'koo ko' or 'ko koo' or 'koo koo' or 'ko ko' or some other yet-to-be-determined inaudible variable, each sound meaning something different, with a particular kanji that applies to each one, whether Plotnik can hear it or not?

"Ko ko," he says.

"Not 'ko ko,'" she says. "Koo ko."

"Ko ko," he repeats.

"Right," says Mrs. Matsumura.

It probably means 'High School.' Plotnik is pretty sure she said high school. So he draws a horizotal line.

"Ehhh," grunts Mrs. Matsumura. He erases the horizontal line with his fist and draws a vertical line.

"Ehhh," grunts Mrs. Matsumura. He erases the vertical line with his fist and draws a diagonal line with a hook on the end. He is beginning to despair.

"Ehhh," grunts Mrs. Matsumura. Plotnik pulls out the heavy ammunition: "But...it's my birthday."

His five classmates are glaring at him again. No one cares about Plotnik or his birthday. So Plotnik draws a circle. In the circle he draws a bulls eye, then he sneers and bangs his head on the blackboard, in the physical and metaphyscial center of the Japanese Language.

"Purotniku-san," says Mrs. Matsumura. "Here." She approaches the board, drawing "Koo" and 'ko.' Plotnik copies her, stroke for stroke.

"Ii desu nee," she says.

"Kyoo wa boku no tanjoobi desu," he says, to the blackboard. This means "Today is my birthday."

"Happy Birthday, Purotniku-san," says Mrs. Matsumura, and follows it with many words that probably relate to birthdays or blackboards or barracudas or who knows what? Who will ever understand this demonic language?

Plotnik calls Ducknik on his cell phone as he's leaving class.

"I'm an idiot," he says. "I'm worse than a monkey. Next week they're going to shoot me. I'll never learn Kanji."

"Yes, you will," she says. "Pick up a couple tacos, will you, Birthday Boy?"

"Ii, desu nee, my dear," says Plotnik.