Having a Ball

When The Great Senor Plotnik was in High School, and he had a Spanish report he had to give in front of the class, he always wanted to go first, if need be, but preferably second or third, so he could get it over with early, eliminating the need to stress about it while all the other kids were doing theirs for the next two days.

So naturally, when it comes to Yearly Physical Exams, Plotnik likes to get it over with early in the morning and early in the week. That means Monday morning, and that was yesterday.

Those who Know Him and Love Him Anyway already know The Great Plotnik becomes The Great Wussy when worrying about his yearly meeting with Dr. Herman Herman. Since this year GP has dear friends with actual diseases, by Sunday night he had already convinced himself he had not only those diseases, but, simultaneously, several others.

This year, on the top of his Worry List, which he always writes out and keeps in his hand during his exam, was Cancer, pushing Heart Disease and Stroke down to number two and Letter Diseases (MS, ALS, CF) to three. But Dr. Herman Herman surprised him, as he always does, by finding a tiny wart on Plotnik's back. "Hmmm," said Dr. Herman.

"He says 'Hmmm,' but he means OHMYDEARJESUSGOD," thought Plotnik, starting to sweat.

The problem is, Plotnik can't see the wart. It's at the exact spot on his back which is invisible, no matter how you twist in the mirror. And anyway, he has already imagined it in his mind's eye, looking like the Pac Man monster with yellow teeth, growing grossly obese by consuming Plotnik's flesh.

"I wouldn't worry about it," said Dr. Herman Herman, finally, but then stuck his finger up Plotnik's, well, you know, you have to check for Cancer of the, you know, after he'd previously had Plottie drop his pants so he could check for, well, you know Cancer of the, oh, Christ.

"Having a ball, Doctor?" Plotnik always says, same joke, every year.

"Cough," Dr. Herman says, every year.

"Tell me the truth," Plotnik said, after coughing, Herman Herman's hands on his vitals, "do you really ever find any Cancer there? I mean, aside from Lance Armstrong, have you ever REALLY heard of Cancer of the Vitals? I mean, come on, have you?

"Yes," said Dr. Herman Herman.

"F___," said The Great Wussy, thinking he'd have to add that to his list.