A Two Star Evening, Like a Plate of Kebab

The Great Plotnik should have a small problem this morning. He saw a play last night that wasn't too hot. TGP earns a living as a reviewer -- for theater, his job is to write a preview of the play a few weeks before it comes out, distilled from the few micrograms of truth hidden among the pounds and pounds of bald-faced lies the press agent has pulled out of her rear end. Then, Plottie goes to Press Night, sees the production itself, and does one of three things: a) He writes a Glowing Review, updating his Preview, if he LOVES the play; or B) Writes a FLEE! FLEE! AVOID AT ALL COSTS! Review, updating his Preview, if he HATES the play; or C) He does nothing, if the show was just pretty good or pretty bad.

The Great Plotnik truly loves legitimate theatre, sees actors and directors and set designers and playwrights as heroes, as underappreciated artists who are willing to put their hearts and egos on the line and work for no pay, just to get a chance to display their love of the medium. So he's not about to pan a show just because he knows how to write a clever negative review.

For Plotnik to really pan a show, it has to be AWFULLY WRITTEN, HORRIBLY ACTED and, preferably a MAJOR PRODUCTION THAT GOOBERED AWAY TONS OF MONEY.

Last night's show, honestly speaking, had plenty of (1) and a quantity of (2), but, thankfully, they obviously had no budget at all, so he doesn't have to pan it.

Still -- it was pret-ty pret-ty bad. He doesn't want any of his readers to go see it. It wouldn't be fun to spend money to see it. It was dreary enough for free.

The problem is that one of his daughter's oldest friends is involved in the production. He loves this girl, he has known her since she was in grade school. Her boyfriend was IN IT. He can't give her company a bad review. He won't do it.

And, anyway, it was raining. That can't be good. Plus, the leads were all locals, and most likely had their parents in the audience, and that has to be hard. And two of the fifteen cast members were quite good, no, three. Three were quite good, and how can you expect a dedicated production team to pull off a show without money for staging or costumes or...well, drugs?

So TGP has decided to say nothing to his Boss, to let his Preview ride the way it is. The Great Plotnik Theater Review Division therefore awards (Play Whose Name We Won't Mention Here) Half a Star for good intentions, Half a Star for his daughter's beautiful friend, Half a Star for the fantastic Turkish dinner Plotnik and Ducknik had before the show and Half a Star because it wasn't too hard to park, and that adds up to TWO STARS!

The Great Plotnik always adds one paragraph that can be pulled by the production company to hang in their office, if he likes them and if they need one. It might say:

"It was a beautiful, Two Star night at the theater. Joel Rainwater, Jamila Webb and Ann Farrarr stole the show. This reviewer ended the evening with a delicious taste in his mouth, like a plate of scrumptious kebab."