Three Stars for Bistro 1689 or You Can't Hurry Spaetzle.

The Great Plotnik and The Great Ducknik reviewed the new Bistro 1689 on Upper Church Street last night. Plot had already sketched out the puny 120 words he is allowed to turn in, but needed to taste the food to be sure. Here is Plot's AOL Review together with comments he doesn't have room for in AOL's 120 word Max format.

"Executive Chef Scott Drozd left the security of running the Anzu restaurant in the Hotel Nikko downtown to take a chance on Church." He sure did. The two Chinese restaurants that were the Bistro's predecessors, were disasters. The first one, China Pepper, managed to screw up fried rice, and the second, Long Island Restaurant, founded by a Chinese couple who had operated restaurants on Long Island, New York, and in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, never had a chance. They would stand at the door, heads down, as diners packed into Eric's down the street.

"His slick and sparkling Bistro 1689 showcases food from the Southwest of France, updated slightly for California tastes." This means no dog sweetbreads in beet kvass with one fava bean.

"This is simple, rustic food, so technique really does matter." He told me this, I have to take his word for it. After tasting, I have to agree. The Chef is really good, and, amazingly, his food is not overly pricey.

"Try the fresh corn, Dungeness crab and mussels veloute for starters." It's not a soup, but it's not not a soup either. True, the description on the menu does use one word of fearsome B.S. French -- the word is 'foam' -- but the veloute is a homey, rich, savory shellfish puree with pieces of crab and mussel. It barely takes up the bottom of the flat soupbowl, but it's so rich you couldn't possibly eat any more.

"Move on to the short ribs with rosemary spaetzle" Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah. GOT to learn how to make this one. The ribs fall off the bones and the spaetzle, tiny rosemary-laced dumplings that have absorbed all the flavor from the ribs, are to die for twice. Plus, you get pieces of lemony chard mixed with the spaetzle. The Great Plotnik's brother Schmeckl, who puts blackberry syrup in coffee, would lick up every drop of this dish (we'd tell him it's roast beef and noodles) and so will all the trendy boys working their way through the Gourmaze.

"Finish up with crispy apple fitters, served with -- get this -- a chestnut/Cointreau milkshake!" WOO HOO! YOWZA! All right, calm down. It's not a milkshake. It's a bowl of sauce into which you dip your three battered, highly sweetened apple fritters. The sauce of chestnut puree, vanilla ice cream and Cointreau is so good you want to guzzle it down, or put it in your coffee, or rub it all over your face and let your favorite dog lick it off in the morning. Or -- the method employed by the Restaurant Reviewer and his wife -- spoon it daintily out of the bowl until every last drop is gone.

Bistro 1689 has a drawback or two -- it is not a warm place, in fact it's kind of dark and a little forbidding, but you get around that by sitting near the front, especially in one of the two window seats. The service is rather slow... but that may be because of all that TECHNIQUE IN THE KITCHEN. Food this good takes time. You can't hurry love. Diana Ross said that. You can't hurry spaetzle. I said that.

"Good things are clearly happening on Upper Church." The skanky Greek place that smelled like lamb-and-clorox has closed. The miserable Pizza place finally coughed up its last hairball. We've got La Ciccia and Bistro 1689 now -- unfortunately, they've also closed Hungry Joe's, and they're 'modernizing it,' God help us all. Those wonderful home fries will be replaced by yet another $9.95 omelet with Niman Ranch Pig Product

"Bistro 1689 is the kind of place you hope to keep for yourself, a chef-driven restaurant that takes chances." The $30 three-course Prix Fixe, available between 5:30PM and 6:30PM, but still available when Plot and Duck arrived at 7, is a bargain for food this good. But none of the three courses drooled over above are part of the special.

The Great Plotnik Restaurant Awards Division awards Bistro 1689 a star for the Veloute, a star for the ribs, a star for the fritters and half a star for the sea bass, but takes away half a star because of the Abu Ghraib vibe in the back. Three Stars, friends. This does not happen all that often. Ooh, them fritters.