Staying the Course

The more you read about all religions, the more similar they all get. Most of the time the message boils down to this: I was Weak, now I'm Strong. I was a Slave, now I'm Free. I was Empty (before I discovered Ra) but now I'm Filled (with Ra).

Most importantly, when I die, I will go to Ra. I will live forever. Depending on which Ra I believe in, there may be virgins.

The Great Plotnik has been preparing to host a seder at World Headquarters this year, for the first time ever, and this has led him to much reading about ancient history, which is basically about Ra, and about warfare. It is always important to remember, when reading about warfare, that you're only reading the history that the people who won the war want you to read about, and the first thing conquerors always do, after killing, enslaving and whooptydoo, is to outlaw the old Ra and establish the new Ra.

We think Bush has a hard head? Read about Pharaoh and the plagues. God visits one misery after another upon Pharaoh: Frogs. Locusts. Famine. Boils. Death of Livestock. Death of First Born. One disaster after the other, and all Pharaoh has to do to stop the carnage is let the Israelites cross the river and go back to Canaan where there's another famine raging anyway, big deal.

But Pharaoh knows in his heart that Ra is on his side, so he insists on staying the course. And stay the course he does. Cue the Angel of Death.

We all know how the story ends. Yul Brynner chases Charlton Heston to the Red Sea, and the friendly gefilte fish use all their gelatin to part the Red Sea so the Israelites, who are carrying their matzos and jars of horseradish, can get safely across. Then the gefiltes swim away and the water sweeps down and drowns Pharaoh's army and that's that.

But the thing is: supposedly this all took place around 1420 B.C., but it wasn't written down until almost a thousand years later. I ask you: what do you remember from 1,000 years ago? Plotnik can't remember where he put his keys yesterday.

So historically accurate, it maybe isn't. Still, the important part is this: Yesterday we were slaves, and today we're free. That's a great message and one worth celebrating, and all thanks to Ra and the friendly gefiltes.