The Gourmet's Dilemma.

Yesterday, the Great Plotnik had a hankerin' for local, wild King Salmon. He was thinking lime, sesame seeds and Aleppo pepper. You only get local, wild King Salmon for a little while each season (last year there was none at all), and there's no taste quite like it. Yep, wild King Salmon it would be, and down he went to his local purveyor of quality fishstuffs. But first, he went to Smell Market.

Now came the Gourmet's Dilemma. In the fishmonger's case at Smell Market were two choices for wild, fresh salmon: Local, fresh, wild (unfrozen) King Salmon ($16.99/lb.) or nonlocal, fresh, wild (unfrozen) Coho Salmon ($2.99/lb.). Yes, wild Coho for only $2.99 per pound.

Plotnik's Grammy Plotnik (who battled with the Helms Man for a better deal on the 5 Cent chocolate donuts) appeared before his eyes. For her it was a no-brainer. Come on! Wild salmon for $16.99/lb. and wild salmon for $2.99/lb? Buy the cheapie.

Complicating the decision was the fact that the local salmon was pink and plump and cut in perfect chunks. It looked like this:



The Coho salmon was sorta gray and thinly sliced and looked like this:



Still, wild, fresh (unfrozen) salmon is wild, fresh (unfrozen) salmon. So Plotnik asked the Chinese fishmonger: "So, I can't help but notice that one wild, fresh salmon costs $16.99 and the other wild, fresh salmon costs $2.99. Why is that?"

"Oh, King, King," said the fishmonger.

"Yes, I know the King is better, but why is there such a price discrepancy?"

"Oh, ha ha, you see ho la woopie."

"Pardon me, I didn't understand you. What did you say?"

"Oh, King, King," the fishmonger said.

"Yes, the King is very good, I know that. But what I want to understand, see, is why is one eight times the price of the other? Is the Coho fresh?"

"Oh, ho ho ho," said the fishmonger, nodding, sort of.

"It is? Well, it doesn't look very good, though."

"Oh, fla pee noo rah tee sroopy," said the fishmonger.

Plotnik never learns. The fishmonger at Smell Market is a nice man but his English...well, he may as well be speaking Salmon.

The two men went around like this awhile longer, but when it all came down to it: Plottie bought the Coho. He bought enough wild, fresh (unfrozen) salmon to feed Duck and a dozen cats for $4.

Oh yeah, you say. That's not what YOU would have done. YOU would have gone for the best salmon. YOU would have paid the money and had a delicious dinner, which would have tasted even better because you'd have known how much you spent.

Well, you see, Plotnik is not like that. If he had paid eight times more, he would have enjoyed it eight times less. It's pathetic, but true.

Cousin Mrs. Two Names suggests Cousin Mr. One Name possesses a similar trait. Welcome to Plotnik's world, Cousin One.

Dinner was delicious anyway. Plottie had to be a little more careful when he pan broiled the huarache, because the pieces were thinner, and the tread on the bottom can be problematic, and then there's the issue of the straps. But it came out great.

Taboulle made with extra lemon to balance the salmon, plus a package of Rainbow's Mattar Poopoo or whatever they call it (Indian potatoes and green peas) and a bottle of Boont Pale Ale...priceless. Better than priceless. $2.99 a pound. Grammy would be proud, though she'd think $2.99/lb. was stupid since Plotnik could have bought salmon in a can.

Sorry, Chef Pickle.