Fritz Has His Face Fixed and Sam the No Plumber

Fritzbaum, the Official Vehicle of The Great Plotnik World Headquarters, has had some work completed on his pretty face. His VW medallion is back on, and that's good, but not so good are the new bumper, hood, radiator, quarter panels and whatever the hell else they decided to replace, and all this because of a tiny 3 m.p.h. bump of another car while parking a few weekends ago.

The good thing is the medallion was actually stolen off the car six months ago and would have cost close to $500 to replace all by itself. So it can be said that the tiny fender scratcher came in handy.

But why did the Plotnik's insurance company, Twenty First Prudential Farmers ScumSucking Bastards, decide to replace all that other stuff? True, the hood needed a little dent pounded out, and then you have to paint it. But the radiator hadn't been touched. Had it?

Plotnik's paranoid guess is that the more 21st Scumsuckers charges itself on top of his deductible, the more they will be justified in raising his insurance rates from here on out. He hates insurance companies. He hates them even more than he hates C and C Cable (Confusing and Confounding Cable Company).



But you have to be careful with how you express your disagreement, especially in a political year. Yesterday Plottie said he would never again have to mention the words Joe, The and Plumber, in that exact order. But he was wrong. This consummate b-s artist is aggravated at having to pay taxes, so he managed to get his twenty seven minutes of fame out of fooling both Obama and McCain. It turns out that Joe the Plumber, who John McCain was convinced was the 'voice of the common man," is not a plumber at all and his name is not Joe. He's just a right wing kook who wanted air time.

"Just because I earn more, why should I have to pay more taxes?" he said on Good Morning, America yesterday morning. (Ask yourself: WHY is this man on national TV?) The host didn't reply "Joe, have you ever heard of the graduated income tax? Do you think you should pay the same taxes as Warren Buffett?"

It's not her fault, she's a bubble head. But it turns out Sam, I mean Joe, the Plumber, I mean No Plumber, owes $1200 in back taxes to the state of Ohio, hence his dismay at the American system of taxation.

Plotnik's problem is that he hates the tax system too. Yes, it's true. He hates paying taxes to bribe Iraqi politicians and pay off Wall Street greed even more than he hates paying Confusing Cable and 21st ScumSuckers. But he also likes roads and schools and streets cleaned and cool sculpture on the waterfront. He doesn't like paying his cable bill but he likes HBO and his DVR. He doesn't like paying the insurance company but doesn't Fritzbaum look nice?