Rant: A Victory Over Domestic Terrorism

When The Great Plotnik put on his last pair of cranky pants he was discussing the merits of the miracle drug Stupidium. After that posting, his daughter queried whether or not Plotnik was a bit cranky because he happened to be getting on an airplane the next day?

NON-FREAKING-SENSE! The days of Plotnik worrying about airplane travel are over. O-V-U-H. The terrorists have won. Plotnik is heading for the airport later on today, barefoot and in pajamas. Anything they need to inspect they can get to easily with a simple pull of the drawstring.

Sure, Plotnik was a bit freaked to fly right after 9-1-1, but he and Duck flew to NYC on 10-1-1. Looking back, Plotnik is sorry all those air marshals made such a big deal out of his honest request to strip search the kid with the backback and the scruffy beard a dozen or so people in front of Plot and Duck in the security line, but at the time it seemed worrisome.

In those days you heard an announcement every ten minutes in the airport: "Attention all passengers! The Security Level is Bright Red! Like a pimple! It could burst at any moment! Please report any suspicious activity to uniformed airport personnel!"

That airline worker MIGHT EASILY have been planting something insidious in the airplane on which Plot and Duck were about to travel home. He looked suspicious, down there on the tarmac, viewed from the passenger loading area, driving that little four wheel cart with ONE BAG on it, and PUTTING IT ONTO THE BAGGAGE CONVEYOR from which it zipped right up onto the plane. So they removed a little baggage. So there was a small delay of the flight. Better safe than sorry.

Bear in mind that Plotnik is no Achmed-Come-Lately. He has been vigilantly defending America's Right to Safe Travel for many years. And he is not cranky. But he IS thinking he might take it up a notch.

What really bothers him at airports these days is not terrorists, because they're getting harder and harder to find, but people doing business on cell phones. Who gives some shloomp salesman or saleswoman the right to sit in the seat next to you and make cold calls?

This isn't your office, right? It's an airport, a public place. Why should I have to listen to your pathetic blather? "Ned, this is Ed, It's 4, I'm in Burbank at the airport I'm heading to Kansas City be in at 6 perhaps we can get together at Hooters for shooters tell Lloyd to notify Floyd that Will thinks Ward may not be on board we'll have to sweeten call Keaton tell Karen to warn Darren and Sharon bye."

OK, this next part didn't happen at an airport, but when Plot and Duck were in Providence last week they were sitting in comfy Blue State Coffee inside the bookstore at Brown University. Plot was trying to concentrate on a document he was editing, but behind him was a young woman with a headphone in her ear and her laptop open with a list on its screen. He knows what was on her screen because he kept turning around to see why this woman kept saying: "Hello! I'm Nicole from We Pester the World! (Plotnik may have changed the name of Nicole's Company.) We were wondering if we may count on you to come to this afternoon's get together of the Christian Mission Decision at 1:30? How did we get your name? Why, you signed your name at a meeting and I am just following up...hello?"

Nicole would then make a mark on her computer screen and the computer would dial her next call and she would again say "Hello! I'm Nicole from We Pester the World!"

This was repeated many times with barely a pause between calls. It was the phrase 'Christian Mission Decision' that caught Plotnik's ear in the first place. After he heard it a few times he began to wonder if Nicole could repeat 'Christian Mission Decision' three times in a row without screwing up? How about five times?

He found himself practicing it. He got up to eight times without saying Chrisshun or Mishtshun, before he realized he was no longer paying any attention to his document.

So he leaned over to another girl who was also working on a document at the table next to Plot and Duck, and he asked her: "Excuse me, miss, I'm sorry to bother you, but I am perhaps a little unfamiliar with proper courtesies at Blue State Coffee. Does it bother you at all that the woman behind us is making business calls, and not all that softly either, on her cell phone non stop? Or is this perfectly acceptable? I don't want to say anything to her if I am misunderstanding."

The other woman said: "Well, to tell you the truth, it's bothering me a little too."

Plot then leaned across the table and asked Ducknik the same question, and Ducknik said: "I can't hear her over here, Honey. I hadn't noticed."

Now Plot stewed. Christian Mission Decision Chrissssthun Misshapen Decisshn Damn!

What to do.

Well, if this were to happen at an airport Plotnik could simply locate a uniformed airport personnel-person and suggest that the phone calls he is hearing are frightening in their subversity and that he feels the uniformed airport personnel-person should look into it immediately, and that would take care of that, IF, of course, Plotnik could ever locate a uniformed airport personnel-person, because if you fly as much as Plotnik seems to be flying these days you will have noticed that, cutbacks you know, there don't seem to be any personnel at all at airports, except for the dingbats behind the Southwest counter who wouldn't know a bomb from a three ounce bottle of salad dressing.

Plotnik COULD have made his famous Chinese pickles to bring to Thanksgiving but NO you can't bring liquids on an airplane any more unless you pack them into your suitcase and can you imagine how his socks would smell with just one little leak?

Plotnik decided to speak to Nicole. He turned around and said, kindly but with the fire of caffeine ringing in his ears: "Excuse me, but I wonder if you are aware how your making all these business calls on your cell phone makes it really impossible for any of those of us around you to enjoy our time in the coffee house?"

Nicole said: "Well, sir, thank you for telling me, I will keep that in mind."

Plotnik bit his lip, but said "That's nice, NICOLE. Thank you. Would you be keeping that in mind NOW, are you going to blather on and keep that in mind again later?"

She did not seem the least bit tormented. She said: "Sir, I'm sorry, but I would do this from my own office if I had an office, but I don't have an office, that's why I'm working from here."

As if this were Plotnik's fault that Christian Mission Decision didn't have a nice high rise in downtown Providence or possibly even Pawtucket from which Nicole and her coven of crackpots could intrude into the lives of perfectly normal, if a bit cranky, fellow human beings who are getting SICK and TIRED of...but Plotnik turned around and got a warning eyeball from The Great Ducknik, so he backed off.

Having unplugged his laptop and packed it into its case, he said to Nicole: "Well, I certainly hope you have a VERY nice day," and Nicole said "Yesssss, thank you." She did stop making the calls, though, at least until Plotnik left.

On Plot and Duck's last morning in Providence they went back to Blue State for their final cup of delicious low-fat latte and Plotnik spotted Nicole sitting at another table. She did not have her computer with her.

Plotnik caught her eye and she saw him too, because she gave him The Blank Stare of Doom, that expression women know how to slip into when they want to make sure you know they would never look anywhere on any planet you might be inhabiting, but don't want to give you the pleasure of seeing them turn their head away.

Plotnik smiled and nodded at her. She continued to not acknowledge his existence.

Plotnik is marking this down as a victory over domestic terrorism.