Chill, Giants Fans

(The Great WantzaNewName-Nik, you may ignore this post):

(But, having said that, hee hee hee, I know you can't help reading now.)

The Great Plotnik is having a ball listening to Saint Plotniko baseball fans fearing the Apocalypse has come, because Magic Johnson is the face on the money team who bought the Dodgers, aka the Plotzers. They have so much money they'll buy up all the Braindead, aka the Giants, players. The Dodgers will become the new and hated West Coast version of the Yankees.

Well, they're not new and they're already hated, so stuff it already. Callers-in are terrified the Giants will become the New Red Sox to the Dodgers' New Yankees. Well, guess what. Boston and SF faded in the clutch last year but both have won recent World Series. It could be a lot worse.

The theory goes that Matt Cain, the Giants' best pitcher (when Tim Lincecum eventually hurts his arm, which is inevitable), will go for the big bucks when Moneybags Johnson comes a-callin'. And then, when Lincecum's contract comes up for renewal, ol' Moneybags will smile his way into Timmy's heart.

Ain't a-gonna happen, unless both pitchers are injured first. Then the Dodgers will go out and give them guaranteed long-term contracts. Also ain't a-gonna happen because the Magic Group paid, like, half a billion dollars too much for the team. Where does all this extra money come from to sign Cain, Lincecum and Cole Hamels (the other piece in the paranoia puzzle)?

It doesn't. Chill, my friends. The Dodgers will have the same problems they always have and end up in fourth place, while the Giants will have only themselves to blame if they don't win with this terrific team.

No, we won't take Barry Zito. Magic only has so much magic.