The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz

The Plotniks went to see 'Russian on the Side' Tuesday night and really loved it, maybe even loved it more than it deserves. If you want to read a Four Star review you can read the San Francisco Theater Blog Review here, but you'd better do it fast because the four stars may go down a tiny notch.

Come to think of it, the rating is probably going to stay right where it is because of the cell phone. When you read the review, pay attention to the two people who Plot has placed on the end of the aisle. In fact, they were sitting directly in front of Duck and Plot. Plot does not know where the man of the couple had stashed his wings during the show. Also, be informed that in the middle of the One Act performance (no intermission), Ducknik needed to use the facilities. One more factoid: When Plotnik turned off his cell phone before the curtain went up, he noticed it was out of juice. He had forgotten to charge it up.

So here's what happened. Plotnik got home from the show and, as he always does, went to hang up his leather jacket, first removing his cell phone from the front breast pocket. The phone was not there. He then did the Plotnik version of the Cell Phone Fandango, the one we all do -- frantically checked his pants pockets, the table, the closet floor, went out to the car, moved the seats forward and checked on the floorboards, then retraced his steps in the darkness from the street to the house, and then did the whole procedure one more time: no phone.

So he and Duck drove back to Marines Memorial Theater, which is also a hotel. The desk manager called the night watchman, who let Plot and Duck back into the now empty theater, and they looked in the aisles and under their seats: no phone. The nice custodian led them to the Lost and Found box, which had a cell phone in it, but not Plotnik's. "The box office opens tomorrow at Noon. Try calling back tomorrow. Maybe someone will turn it in," the night watchman said. Plot and Duck drove home.

The next morning, at 11:45 or so, Plot was talking to Davey Blue. When Davey Blue gets excited he talks without breathing, meaning that when Plot's Call Waiting was beeping Davey Blue didn't notice it. Being polite, Plot tried to wait until Davey Blue took a breath so he could say "Wait a sec, Blue, I have to get the other line." Never happened. Plot never could get to the incoming call. Then he forgot about it.

An hour or so later, he checked his phone messages. It was Mummy Plotnik who had called while he was talking with Blue. Her message said: "Did you lose your cell phone? I just got a call from a man who found a cell phone that is probably yours. He looked in the address book and found a listing for "Mom." He says he always looks for "Mom" when he finds a lost cell phone. He called me. He sounds like a nice man. You should call him, Honey."

But Mummy P. is almost blind. She can't read telephone numbers that have been written on a piece of paper, especially if she's the one who has written them down. So Plot waited for Lillian, Mummy P.'s helper. Lillian read Plot the phone number, which had a 408 area code.

Plot called it. The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz answered the phone. His wife had found The Great Plotphone. Together, Plot and The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz pieced together what had happened.

When Ducknik had inched past Plotnik's seat he had to scrooch up in his seat to give her room. His jacket was on his lap, and the pocket's velcro strap doesn't close tightly anymore.

(Actually, it would still close tightly except Plotnik has started using the jacket's only pocket to store all the theater tickets Duck and he are given to see all these shows. There is also a handkerchief in there. Don't ask. Anyway, the cell phone used to tuck down sweet and easy in the bottom of that pocket, but now the pocket bulges outward like Plot is hiding a pistol to protect himself from deranged theater producers. The velcro snap doesn't close at all these days.)

So the phone must have fallen out as Plot raised up in his seat. It fell on the floor, and probably got kicked downhill to the floor under the seat in the next aisle in front.

The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz and The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz's wife were sitting in those seats. It was they Plot had written about, the man loving the show and the woman a little unsure. It turns out that The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz and The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz's wife and The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz's daughter all have the same phone that Plotnik does.



(This is not particularly surprising. It is the Nokia Skinflint-e-o 3000. It has no features. It barely even rings. But you get it for nothing when you renew your contract. Lots of people have this phone.)

When the show ended and the wife got up to leave, she found the phone on the floor and figured it was hers. She stuck it in her purse.

While Plot and Duck were looking for the phone the night before, Ducknik had suggested she call the phone from her phone: ooops. His phone was dead. Worse yet, anyone who happened to find the phone wouldn't be able to access the address book because the phone would not turn on. Oh, crap.

But The Glorious Family of the Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz all had the same phone and therefore the same phone charger!! Booo-Ya! So when wifey got home and discovered she had two phones instead of one, but one was dead, she was able to charge up the strange phone using her own charger! In this way, The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz could access Plot's address book and locate Mummy Plotnik.

All that was left to do was for Plot and Duck to drive over to the very very top of the Oakland Hills last night, walk in to a lovely home with a view of the entire Bay Area, shake The Heavenly Hands, take the phone and drive back home with many thanks.

So here's why the extra 1/4 of a star stays on Mark Nadler's rating: The Heavenly Angel Steve Horowitz's wife is a good friend of the director. Hey. You scratch my wings and I'll scratch yours.