The Lamest Harvest Festival in the World

The Snowy Valley Harvest Festival is the lamest harvest festival in the world, and the reason is we don't have enough Republicans. You can't allow Democrats to be in charge of both the Board of Supervisors AND the Snowy Valley Harvest Festival. This is what happens.

For one thing, no one understands that the word 'harvest' means 'pulling food from the ground,' 'cutting food from trees' or making something edible out of something you actually, you know, like, 'harvested.' A Harvest Festival can not be sponsored by the Buddhist Day Care Center. You can't have the real estate agent sign be larger than the hay you're gonna use for your pumpkin patch. Judging by the booths, you'd think the principal crop in Snowy Valley was nursery schools, preschools, Parochial schools, early child learning centers, baby 'n me classes, on line reading groups and massage therapy. And you'd be right.



Oh, Plotnik did see one person almost selling food, kind of. He took organic honey and made it into cosmetics. Mmmm. Clover mascara.

Christ, you can't have a Harvest Festival without church groups. You need the Ladies Auxiliary for the Church of Jesus Peanut Brittle Stand. You need rosy cheeked kids dragging their pet hog down the middle of the street towards the Al's Abattoir truck. A corgi/daschund mix will not do.

You need hand-scripted biblical verses thumb tacked onto trees -- Genesis:43: 4: 8: 9: 3847: verse 493. You don't need Lyndon LaRouche and you don't need Barack Obama dressed up as an ear of corn. (OK, we didn't really see that but we didn't stay all that long either.)

And please. No jazz. If you're going to play jazz, please go to the Mission Street Harvest Festival. We need endless bluegrass ditties about loves long dead and buried, with high voiced flannel-shirted castrati singing 'Aoo-ooo Mama's daid an ah miss her so-o-o-o-wo" while plucking on out of tune banjos.

Oh, that's at 3pm? Ok then.