ERROR: MUMMY P's REAL EMAIL ADDRESS: rose3163@gmail.com.

Sorry about that: Mummy P's new email address is actually Rose3163@gmail.com

THE HOMELAND REFRIGERATOR

There has been a serious security breach at the Homeland Refrigerator. Someone has been insidiously removing the flavor, and Plotnik is pretty sure he knows who it is. Yesterday for lunch he ate an Almost Cheese sandwich, and then for dessert reached into the cookie jar and had an Almost Chocolate Chip cookie.

There have been comments made, in Spanish, by Lilian, Mummy Plotnik's housekeeper, that 'El Dr. Meth dice que el colesterol de su mama llega muy elevado.' This means Mummy P. has high cholesterol, and therefore secret methods are no doubt being employed to bring that cholesterol down.

But come on! She's 94! Everybody knows 100 is the New 90. When you're over 90 but less than 100, you ought to have earned the window to eat whatever you want. Talk to me at 100 and we can discuss a few dietary limitations.

Mummy P. doesn't seem to notice, however Plotnik and Ducknik do. Worse, they keep eating those fairly tasteless cookies, out of habit, remembering in their minds the Glory Days of real butter. Real chocolate chips. Real flour. (Jeez. Is there light flour?) Real brown sugar. The old days, sigh, when you came home from college, opened the fridge and a world of delicious options opened before your eyes.

Now? Stare at that picture. You can't believe it's not butter? Yeah, right. Duck and Plot are heading for the taco truck on Vanowen and Vineland.