Ask Plotnik: Advice for the Lovelorn Doggy

A dog who looks like girl must get ogled everywhere she goes. She probably gets hit on by beagles, corgis, labs, great danes, mutts, purebreds, those awful terriers with soprano barks of death or noble Saint Bernards with melodious baritones, men she wouldn't dream about hooking up with as well as those who do have a scintilla of a chance -- but never by the mutt for whom she secretly pines: the chihuahua down the block.

It is Plotnik's observation that every breed of live thing has a secret desire for someone unattainable. But even if you're incredibly attractive, even if your perfectly brushed fur grows right down to your manicured paws, even if your tail puffs straight up in the air with nary a hair out of place, the odds of you ever finding that outlaw chihuahua, that bandido, that perfect little yappy sub-animal that has captured your heart, are small to none.

This is Saint Plotniko. Like someone we love has said about the men in New Shmork, the available dating/mating pool for a fine looking standard poodle with heterosexual urges is minimal: they're either stockbrokers or they've been neutered.

Better settle, girl. A nice bulldog with a steady job, you couldn't go wrong. That'll be Five Cents, Please.