Plot and Duck Join the Village people

At the end of the day, after the fire extinguisher demonstration, and the triage demonstration, and the removing heavy objects from a dummy demonstration, and the endless blather about terrorism and the different categorizations of how the bad guys could do us in, the Castro NERT Team handed Plotnik and Ducknik their outfits for their last test: the Village People auditions.

Y -- M -- C -- A!-- they passed! Both Plotniks now have gloves, helmets and orange vests, and are certified neighborhood emergency response team members.



During the second day's training, Plotnik can say without fear of contradiction that the feds managed to pull off the worst acronym in the history of bad bureaucratic bumbling: B-NICE!

Would you like to know what B-NICE! stands for? Hint -- it is a mnemonic, a memory device, so you won't forget the different categories of possible terrorist attacks:

B - Biological
N - Nuclear
I - Incendiary
C - Chemical
E - Explosive

So yes. To the feds these all add up to B-NICE!

Plot and Duck had to learn other acronyms, like PASS (for using a fire extinguisher -- Pull pin, Aim, Squeeze Trigger and Spread the chemical around the fire). They made a little sense, at least. But B-NICE? That's even worse than Operation Peace and Freedom (napalm in Vietnam).

The course is taught by firemen and they're all really good people, blue collar, many of them who grew up in the city and are proud of it. If firemen ran the world we'd probably be in better shape than we are. Financial crisis? Nonsense! Just use the acronym S-U-C-K-E-R! (Save U Cash Kause Everybody Rich!)

It feels good to have a little knowledge -- makes you a little less flipped out when you think about what you'd do in case of a large earthquake or other natural or unnatural disaster. One thing is certain -- help could be days away. You have to plan for it. Plot and Duck will be able to put out your fire now -- a little one. And turn off your gas. And tell you how much water you really need. And remind you to keep a corkscrew in your Earthquake kit. You might need to drink up all that vintage zinfandel.

Happy Mother's Day everybody to whom this applies, and that's everybody!