Still Need More Deli Caps

Tonight is the first night of Plotzover, which always occurs on the full moon in the month of Plotzov. It is also Good Friday, the day when Jesus was crucified by the Romans. This makes it the Sabbath also, so we will have to (add during Shabbat) add the extra phrases.

Or do we? The truth is we don't have to do anything at all, or we can do everything the Orthodox do. We can be Jewnitarians or Chabadniks. Most people land somewhere in the middle. The Plotniks do what The Great Plotnik feels like, which is generally a lot of conversation, wonderful food, and enough of the service so people feel they actually got something out of it besides brisket.

But if She had only given us brisket, it would have been enough, Dayenu.

And it's not a joke. Plotzover is a tradition we adore. Religion is involved, but only insofar as we repeat a story born from belief. Do we believe that G Blank D parted the Red Sea, allowed the Israelites to escape - slowly - you cannot hurry a bunch of elderly Israelites - and then brought the angry seas down upon Pharaoh's army? Well...

We believe what we want to believe. Do we believe Phaoroh enslaved the Israelites and used them to build his pyramids? It's very likely. Do we believe Miriam, an Egyptian princess, found Moses floating in the bullrushes? Could be. Do we believe that after 400 years of enslavement (for us, that's equivalent to having been slaves since 1612), Moses rose up and managed to lead his people out of Egypt? Sure.

But if G Blank D did that, why did he let the Babylonians enslave the Israelites for few hundred more years, not long after they came to Sinai? I mean, come on. You want inconsistencies in the Chosen People Syndrome, the history of the Jewish people has them for you.

What Plotnik believes is far simpler.

FAR SIMPLER VERSION: It was good enough for Grandpa Ben and Grandma Eva so it's good enough for him.

--

Now, children, we shall speak of hats. As you know, the Great Arbiter, Grandpa Ben, wore a yarmulke at all Passover seders. So Plotnik got in the habit too. The reason is to keep your head covered as a sign of -- Plotnik isn't sure what. He suspects the Great Rabbi of Plovdiv was bald. Ben certainly was.

But yarmulkes are hard to keep on your head. They can fall into the soup. So why not cover your heads with a covering that means something, and will stay on?

The great delis of America, that are filled to bursting, are keeping our traditions alive every bit as much as the synagogues, which are empty 50 weeks of the year. There is a reason for this.

So Plotnik's aim is to acquire caps from the great great delis of America. So far, he has three.

But four men come to his seder, which means that until we get another cap from another of America's famous and fantastic delis, we will have to use the cap from The Great Ducknik's cousin Jimmy "Murph" Murphy's one-time thriving business.

There are two other possiblities: these two yarmulkes, which Plotnik found in his tuxedo jacket after he must have played for parties for the following people, back in Old Testament times before Satan invented DJs.

The maroon one has this inscription written on the inside: "Barmitzvah of Ben-Judah B____, 3oth of August 1990, Magain Aboth Synagogue"

The white one says: "Wedding of Hila and Doron Itz___

August 21, 1994."

Magain Aboth is the especially lovely main synagogue in Singapore. (They have two, just like the old joke: "The one we use and the one we wouldn't set foot in.")

We don't know where the other one came from. But the people have Israeli names, so it was probably the Sephardic Synagogue in West Stiletto. They both have to have been great parties, or Plotnik would not have kept the yarmulkes.

So (glasses are raised) Drink the wine! Eat the food! BZ, PD, 5H and BB your Papa will be thinking of you tonight. (glasses are lowered). Mummy P! Shmeckl! Little Bear! Nephs and Cuzes. Arzie and Shiela! Everyone!

L'Chaim!