America's National Pastime

...is realizing your team is so much worse than their team. Even so, you sit in front of the TV, like the chaplain sitting in the front row at the execution.

Last night's game: The beloved Stiletto City Plotzers vs. the Voltrons from Venezuela, formerly known as the Braindead Caribbeans.

First enemy batter: little roller for a base hit. Next batter: stupid dunker for a base hit. Next batter: harmless ground ball that hits first base and bounces over the first baseman's head.

Next batter: we'll, you don't know, do you, because you already turned off the TV and went out in the backyard.

By the time you turn the TV back on it's 7-0 and it's only the second inning. Final score: 8-0.

But here is the interesting thing: you know it means the Milwaukee Braves are going to win the pennant.

Caution: this explanation can only be understood by baseball fans, or gypsies, since the Braves don't play in Milwaukee any more.

It's simple: the last time the Plotzers lost to the Venezuelans 8-0 was 1958. The great Plotnik was there, so he knows. Plot's first stepdad took him to the afternoon game at the S.C. Coliseum, but they got there late -- in the bottom of the first, after the enemy had scored eight runs in the top of the first.

Plottie remembers spending the entire game convinced it was a scoreboard error and that the game was really tied, since he hadn't seen any of the carnage himself.

This is what true fans do.

So he went out into the garden last night. So he wouldn't have to watch the inevitable.

8-0. The Milwaukee Braves won the pennant that year. Hank Aaron. Eddie Matthews. Joe Adcock (the best sex-change operation name ever?).

It could happen again.