It Takes Three to OOPH

The concept of OOPH (Our Own Personal Hell), one of the major tenets of the Plotnikie religion, encouraged the cellist and harmonicist LargePants to recall how once he tried desperately to choke on a piece of steak so he could be rushed to the hospital to avoid being forced to listen to five more minutes of Joan Baez's 'Diamonds and Rust.'

But one is never enough. Reformed, Conservative and Orthodox Plotnikies agree on little, but none would deny that although LargePants suffered greatly, even grievously, it was not nearly enough to qualify for OOPH. At least two more excruciatingly hideous events must occur simultaneously, such as being forced to listen to 'Diamonds and Rust' AND watch reruns of Tom Arnold hosting The Best Damned Sports Show, Period, which ought to be called The Most Infantile Collection of Nobodies, Ever, while at the same time being part of the dogsled team following Christo as he covers Northern Siberia with orange crepe. Christo, Tom Arnold and 'Diamonds and Rust.' THAT's what we're OOPHing about.