Adjusting the Jewdar

The leader of a minor Western religion that starts with a P, with whom we are all familiar, has been accused of having Jewdar. This means that as soon as he meets someone and hears their name, he is pretty sure if they are, or are not, Jews. She who has accused this person of possessing this so-called Jewdar does not possess it herself. She is always surprised when he, by applying only a few criteria, is able to identify someone as a member of that particular tribe.

"John Stewart!!?? John Stewart!!?? How did you KNOW??!!"

Jeez Louise, it's not all that complicated -- the eyebrows (thick), the nose (perhaps altered), the chin (prodigious), the SJH (big hair for females, bald spot/combover for males), the accent (flat nasal a's), the shrug (very important, as in "Ehhh? Maybe yes? Maybe no?"), the heels (high), the butt (low) and, of course, the name. That someone named Shpengovitz would turn out to be Jewish shouldn't surprise anyone, but then there are Gilberts, Millers and Grosses who can swing either way. Jewdar comes in handy with ambiguous handles or converts.

And what about Trevor Hoffman? He and his brother Glen, one a star pitcher for the Piffles and one an ex-manager of the Plotzers, don't LOOK Jewish -- in fact, they look like East German secret police. But that name -- this certain Jewdar Person's mother's mother's family was named Hoffman, and this was 'way before the ascension of Plotnikkism. And yet, for Trevor and Glen Hoffman, the Jewdar is barely beeping. Only a little shmeep.

Now, the Great Plotnik's friend Kevin Bridemauler has what he refers to as Gaydar. You can imagine what that means. Clearly, being gay helps tune up one's gaydar, just like being Jewish or having gone to Barnard clearly attunes one's Jewdar.

Which brings us to the Saint Plotniko Supervisor in charge of The Great Plotnik's local district. His name is Bevan Dufty. You're looking at him up there on top. Now, wouldn't you think that someone named Bevan Dufty would be Irish? Our person with the Jewdar has met Bevan Dufty several times, and his Jewdar arrow never budged off the zero. Let it also be said that Dufty does not seem very gay either, though he is openly gay and, apparently, openly Jewish.

OK, OK, don't throw your purses: I know the trap. What does 'seem very gay' mean? That partly depends on where you live. For example, every person alive in Saint Plotniko would be considered gay by most people in Liberty, South Dakota. And we're proud of it.

What Plotnik means is flamboyance. And great hair. Bevan Dufty does not have great hair, but he doesn't have bad hair. At least he's got some. And the man is not all that flamboyant, but then again this photo WAS taken at a meeting of the Noe Valley Neighbors' Association held at an old folks' home. And he is a fabulous Supervisor, the best since the Plotniks have lived in S.P.

Still, Dufty? Bevan? Some Jewish mother named her child Bevan? Rose Dufty named her child Bevan? Pearl Dufty named her child Bevan? Bernice Dufty named her child Bevan?

Shmeep! Shmeep! The Jewdar is sending a message: CHECK TRANSLATION. OK, Plottie is looking at the, hmmmm, translation page, hmmmm...ah! Bevan: BARRY. Dufty: DERSHOWITZ. Bevan Dufty: Barry Dershowitz? Dunno, dunno. Further research is clearly needed. Or not.

And why does any of this matter? Well, it doesn't. Christ, everybody knows that.