Concord Grape Matzos?

Mmmmm. Seven pounds of brisket in the fridge next to three jars of gravy ready to be skimmed. Three pounds of carrots skinned in a plastic bag with cumin and olive oil, to be baked for 45 minutes and then finished off on the bbq for a little char. Cucumbers, tomatoes and parsley to be chopped up and dressed with lemon and olive oil. Tiny, new red and white potatoes to be poached in the brisket gravy and then served with butter and dill. Chicken soup with matzo balls to arrive this afternoon, along with chocolates to go with hot macaroons and strawberries from the farmer's market for dessert. Weird matzos.

Why weird matzos? Because every store in town is out of Passover matzos. I mean, what? Are we taking all the flour that was supposed to be made into matzos and using it for ethanol? Kosher ethanol? Or are there more people than you'd think in the city of Saint Plotniko who have decided to buy up all the matzo this week? The manager at Safeway told Plotnik their warehouse has been empty for two weeks.

Maybe there was a run on frisbees and they had to substitute? Maybe they're using matzos to surf the little ones at Maverick's?

Plotnik even stopped by the Chabad on 29th Street, ready to debase himself before the Chabadniks with a plea to buy some of their passover matzos. As some of you know, the first question the ultra-orthodox, long-bearded Chabadniks would have asked Plotnik is:

"You Jooosh?"

"I, uh, well, I am leader of a minor Western religion and, uh..."

"You Jooosh?"

"Ah, see there aren't any Passover matzos left in the city..."

"(something in Hebrew)."

"Well, I don't understand..."

"You not Joosh?"

Anyhow, Chabad was closed, so Plotnik was spared. But what it meant was he had to buy non-Passover Matzos. What's the difference, you ask? None. Except...Grammy and Grampy Plotnik are not pleased. They never forgot to buy matzos for Passover.

...and not only did he have to buy non-Passover matzos, but "no yolk matzos." WHY IS THERE YOLK IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? He also had to buy Onion and Poppy matzos. ONION AND POPPY MATZOS? You mean, the Jews had to eat their bread unleavened as they ran through the desert pursued by Pharoah, but they still had time to chop onions and toss in poppy seeds?

This is idiotic. Spelt matzos? Concord Grape Matzos? Plotnik drew the line on those.

All you need is love. Everyone at World Headquarters wishes each and every one of our readers a delightful weekend, filled with family and friends. Here is a kiss to you all from Isabella, currently on a bike ride with her Dad in Montparnasse:

Mmmmmmmmmm-maaaaa!