Holy Llama Droppings!

The Great WantzaNewName asked Plotnik today: "Like, why is planning a trip taking you so much time? Don't you just buy a ticket and get on the plane?"

It's an honest question, and that's what 99 out of 100 people do, but that's not what Plotnik and Ducknik do. One reason is that letting other people do stuff for you means you pay a ton more. The travel money you could be spending on diamond bracelets for your Plotnikkie faithful gets eaten up by travel professionals.

The bigger reason is that everyplace in the world, with the exception of Fresno, Shmalifornia and Crawford, Texas, probably has, say, five things to see. Tours go to the ones they can get to easiest, because people who take tours do not like to struggle. They also favor the places who kick back percentages to the tour operators.

Plot can promise you nobody's kicking back nothin' at the Cave of the Painted Hands in HellandGone, Argentina.

Anyhow, Plot was thinking you might be wondering the same question Wantza was. He wrote this to her and now to you too:

"Dear WantzaNewName:

"Why is there so much to think about? Well, for example...we want to go to Punta Arenas, in Chile. It's at the bottom of the world. How do you get there? Where do you stay? What do you do when you get there? What will the weather be like and what clothes do you pack? And how do you get out of there after a few days, on your way to Puerto Natales, which is a three hour bus ride, but when do the buses leave and do they leave late enough to allow you to go see the penguin hatchery during the day or do you have to forgo the penguins and instead take a little zodiac boat ride out on the Beagle Channel, which might get you back on time, except who offers that boat ride anyway, that you only read about on someone's travel blog?

"And by the way, famed Children's Book Author Nguyen Golstein Michael Jackson, who has been all over South America, says there's a boat you can take from Puerto Varas to Puerto Natales, and since you're gonna have already been in Puerto Varas a week earlier, maybe you could take this boat, but where is the boat and how much does it cost and how about that comment from the Brazilian couple who said the trip was boring, and cold, or at least you're pretty sure that's what they said, since your Portuguese is rusty?

"And Holy Llama Droppings! The hostel, that you found on some travel site, doesn't have double rooms and maybe someone you know would prefer not to share a bathroom so you need to try to find someplace else, but you have to find some place soon. And Double Holy Llama Droppings, the email they just sent you is in Spanish but the person who sent it either can't speak or can't type or both. And their telephone number is no longer operable and anyway there is no cell phone coverage up in those mountains, if there are mountains, because it's hard to tell on the map.

"Also, at the bottom of the world in February it is light 20 hours a day. So maybe the night bus isn't such a bad idea, or maybe it is. And Highway 40 has the highest rate of travel deaths outside of Afghanistan. But it's way too expensive to fly and anyway you can't fly because there are no planes and if there were planes there would be more tourists and then the place would be over-run and it wouldn't be as much fun to go there."

Love, Plottie

PS: Actually, vicuña droppings are probably more likely than llama.