Susie Essman and Plotnik

Plotnik spoke this morning with Ms. Spyler, a woman with a very harsh voice. Of course, his was harsh too, and if he had Ms. Spyler's job he'd probably end up spending the entire day with people yelling at him, just like Ms. Spyler does.

She works for a collection agency. Let's call them GONIFF INC (GI). Plotnik has been receiving robo calls from GI for months and months, about a debt he supposedly owes. They never say to whom he owes the money or for how much. The message says something like: "Please telephone Mr. Antoine Jefferson at (long phone number)(long extension) between the hours of..."

Plotnik ignored these calls for awhile but then they became more frequent. But when he called back usually the phone would ring without anyone picking up. Sometimes an answer machine would come on the line with a bunch of prerecorded hocus pocus. Plotnik never had the patience to listen to the whole message, so he'd hang up.

But the calls STILL keep coming.

This morning he decided to resolve this business once and for all ha ha ha ha. He hung on the line until he got to speak with Goniff Inc's Ms. Spyler. She had that really annoying New Jersey pissed-off voice. She said 'hello' and Plotnik's stomach started bubbling. Think Susie Essman -- Jeff's wife on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Imagine Susie Essman working in a collections agency and you've got Ms. Spyler.

Plotnik asked why they keep calling him.

"Because you've ignored the letters we sent you."

(This could be true, because Plotnik usually just forwards anything he gets in the mail straight to the garbage can unless it's an obvious royalty check.)

"What did those letters say?"

"You'd know SIR if you'd bothered to read them."

Oooh. So we're kicking it up a notch, are we?

"OK, so why don't you tell me how much I owe and who I owe it to?"

"You owe US, SIR. Goniff Inc. This bill was referred to US for collection."

"Well, thanks, MIZZ, but who referred it to you?"

"We show a One and One Internet Company. They referred the bill to us in April."

"April what?"

"Uh...April 2009."

"So you've been calling me for a year?"

"Oh yes. SIR."

"Well, MIZZ, it feels like ten years."

"What did you say?"

"Look, just tell me how much do I owe?"

"Uh....$39.46.

"THIRTY NINE DOLLARS? YOU'VE BEEN HOUNDING ME FOR A YEAR FOR $39?"

"$39.46, actually. You ought to read your mail."

"I don't know who these people are!" (Plotnik lied.) "I don't owe them a penny." (This was true.) "I want you to stop calling me!" (Oh, God yes.)

"We can stop calling you, SIR. All you have to do is pay us $39.46. Hold on."

CLICK

MUZAC! The very very very worst thing you can do to Plotnik is put him on hold and play muzac (unless it's at Christmas and his songs are playing).

"I've been to the desert on a horse of no name..."

CLICK

"...so when can we expect a payment?" said Ms. Spyler clicking back on.

"How about Never? Is Never soon enough?"

Silence.

"OK," said Plotnik, "I'll tell you what. I'll call One & One Internet and find out why they think I owe them money."

"You do that."

"Good bye."

No good bye. Just CLICK.

Plotnik got hold of One & One who apologized for not canceling the domain name he had taken out and canceled several years ago. They referred Plotnik to the Cancellations Department. The Cancellations Department referred Plotnik back to the Circulation Department. The Circulation Department answered their phone like this:

"We're sorry. Our mailbox is full. Please phone back at a later time."

Plottie doesn't care much for Ms. Spyler but he has to admit he loves Susie Essman. Sounds like they are destined to talk to each other again. He hopes she says "Larry, you four-eyed f___."